Dream of Waking

I’m not really Zen Buddhist.

Religion is hard. I went to a Lutheran grade school but I knew even then I wasn’t Christian. I can’t believe in a world where an intelligent god and anti-god are constantly vying for my attention and depending on my actions will determine whether I spend an eternity in a heaven or hell. I know that’s oversimplifying things (I know a lot about Christianity, I spent 8 years in Lutheran schools!) but that’s just one of my big beefs. I don’t believe in any intelligent deity which strikes out most religions. In trying to see if any religion fit, Buddhism seemed to fit best but now I don’t think it really fits either.

Buddhism is almost as fractured and diverse as Christianity. I don’t believe in mysticism so that eliminated a lot of Buddhist schools. From what I could tell this left Zen. I’ve read a lot about Zen. Zen fits a lot. In fact I’m a pretty Zen person, I can take a lot of emotional and mental punishment before I start to crack. There’s not a lot of people who can handle bad news or anger like I can.

My problem with Zen is practice. I can’t sit my way to enlightenment. Sitting is supposed to be a period of inflection and inward looking and where you can relax and sort out the mind’s problems. My problem is that I can’t sit and do nothing. It feels like I’m wasting time, like I could be inflecting and sorting out my problems while I work. I don’t feel like sitting and expanding my mind is getting me any closer to peace of mind.

That’s all I want, really. I don’t need the mysteries of the universe explained to me. I don’t need some supreme deity pointing out what’s right and wrong, I can figure that out myself. I don’t need to be threatened with damnation to be a good person. I don’t need karma balancing out the good and the bad, it’ll never equal out.

I believe in actions. My own actions. The world is full of people trying to point the finger and blame someone else. I’m trying to reduce my own amount of blame. And I’ll work my way to enlightenment. Or maybe I’ll play video games to enlightenment. And I’ll suffer my way to enlightenment. I firmly believe there’s a price to be paid for every thing you do and I won’t skimp on the bill by pointing the finger and I won’t try to drown my problems in alcohol or drugs. I’ll suffer through every agonizing second of this existence and if it gets me nowhere, oh well. I’ll still be dead and nothing’s changing that. Everyone dies.