Dream of Waking

I’ve come to realize that my relationship with the Army can be best described by the Tool song “Bottom” off of Undertow. The irony here is that my commander used a section of the lyrics to put on the back of our troop t-shirt but I know that it means something different to him and completely opposite to what it means to me.

I can’t hide the fact that I’m a Tool fan but you definitely have to work backwards to see progression. 10,000 Days sucks but if you go backwards through their discography they get a billion times better. When all I owned was Lateralus, Aenima, and Undertow I thought it was the opposite and that Lateralus might have been a hiccup but then I heard Opiate and listened to Undertow again and I realized that I had it backwards. They go from fucking awesome to what the fuck.

What seperates me from every other person on the earth? Why does it seem like everyone else is on another page? Am I falling behind or is everyone else? Is it my fantasy or theirs? Do I seperate myself on purpose or am I being separated by the people I know?

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in some other plane of existence, forced to watch life rush past but too slow to do anything to change it.

Deleted my myspace. Cleaned this place up a little.

Someone said something they shouldn’t have. Now I don’t have to assume someone in my unit is reading this, I know someone is. We all had to disclose our myspaces and facebooks and websites and whatnot. Thanks asshole who doesn’t understand the concept of OPSEC. Hi Dave!

And I’ll stay up all night thinking about it.

Do you ever wonder if you’re the only person in the world like you? Do you ever wonder at how much easier your life would be if you’d just give in and quit fighting the world and it’s expectations and it’s vices and it’s desires?

I won’t. I won’t ever give in. I won’t ever change. I’ll never look for the easy way out. I’ll never look for a way to end the pain. I don’t want a way out. I don’t want an end. I’ll stubbornly suffer through every excruciating minute of this worthless life. I’ll stab my own heart out again and again until there’s nothing left but a hollow rock that’s just going through the motions of keeping me alive. In a pointless uphill struggle, on ice-slicked stone, in hurricane winds, I will never stop climbing. I’ll keep fighting it as my feet give way, my kneecaps shatter, my fingers break and splinter, my arms are torn from my body, and there’s nothing left to keep me from sliding off. Death may be my only escape. All for nothing. For no god, for no religion, for no ethical code, for no philosophy, for no reward, for no penance, for no reason.

For nothing.

It’s impossible to sleep when the fist-sized rock in your chest beats hard enough to escape. And the only left is to wrap your arms around your chest and hope nothing comes out. I don’t even know why I apologized. You’re the one who got their way tonight.

I’m sure staring at a glowing screen without being able to read what you type isn’t helping your already poor eyesight.